BREAKING: Clallam County Renames Transfer Station to “County-Wide Lost & Found” to Combat “Cleanup Theft” Crisis
By the Strait Shooter Staff
PORT ANGELES — In a stunning move of bureaucratic compliance, the Clallam County Board of Commissioners voted unanimously Tuesday to rebrand the local solid waste facility as the “Clallam County Public Property Reclamation & Lost & Found Center.”
The decision follows recent, deeply courageous declarations by local activists and certain policymakers that the removal of abandoned piles of debris, rotting drywall, and biohazardous waste from public rights-of-way constitutes “theft.” To avoid further accusations of grand larceny, the County has decided that nothing — not a half-eaten burrito, not a rusted bicycle frame, not a singular Croc — can ever be thrown away again without a formal search for its rightful owner.
“We heard the community loud and clear,” said one Commissioner, currently wearing thick rubber gloves and holding a plastic bag containing a mysterious, sticky singular mitten. “If picking up a pile of trash is theft, then we are basically the biggest cat burglars in Washington State. By rebranding the dump, we’re simply ensuring that every item of ‘displaced personal property’ has a fighting chance to be reunited with the person who clearly decided to leave it on the sidewalk for three months.”
The “Needle-Exchange-to-Lost-Found” Pipeline
The new policy has already created a logistical nightmare for municipal cleanup crews, who are now essentially serving as highly specialized investigative journalists.
Under the new guidelines, sanitation workers must now perform a forensic sweep of every discarded item. This has proven particularly tricky regarding the high volume of loose, uncapped hypodermic needles currently gracing the gutters of downtown Port Angeles.
“Is it litter? Is it a medical artifact? Is it a family heirloom?” asked lead cleanup coordinator Dave “Hazard” Miller, while gingerly nudging a syringe with a pair of BBQ tongs. “The policy says we can’t steal it. So, I’ve had to start cataloging them. I’ve got three thousand needles tagged in a spreadsheet under ‘Sharp Keepsakes.’ If anyone wants to come down to the Transfer Station and reclaim their property, I’ll be here until I inevitably contract something.”
Local Wildlife Joins the Investigation
The initiative has also seen an unexpected uptick in local wildlife participation. A local raccoon, now affectionately known as “Agent Trash-Panda” by the staff, has reportedly begun “auditing” the incoming shipments of stolen goods.
“He’s been very helpful,” Miller noted, gesturing to the raccoon, who was currently wearing a discarded COVID-era surgical mask like a cape. “He identifies what is clearly ‘valuable personal property’ — usually half a slice of pepperoni pizza — and guards it until the owner comes back. If the owner doesn’t show up within 48 hours, he processes the claim himself. He’s the most efficient clerk we’ve ever hired.”
Where Does the Theft End?
Critics of the new “Property First” policy suggest that the definition of theft might be getting slightly out of hand. If a discarded candy wrapper is now technically “stolen goods,” the County may soon be liable for the contents of every trash can in the Olympic Peninsula.
County legal counsel is reportedly drafting a new ordinance to address the inevitable: The Statute of Lost Limitations. This would allow the County to legally dispose of items only after they have been posted on a dedicated “Lost & Found” website for 30 days, complete with high-resolution photos of damp mattresses and scattered AA batteries.
“We’re just being respectful,” the Commissioner added, watching as a bulldozer gently moved a pile of damp cardboard into a holding pen labeled ‘Possible Treasures.’ “It’s not ‘trash.’ It’s an undocumented collection of someone’s precious life experiences. And we wouldn’t want to be thieves, now would we?”
The County encourages residents to visit the new Lost & Found facility this weekend to see if any of their missing items — or items they didn’t know they owned — have been “liberated” by the city lately. Admission is free, though a tetanus shot is highly recommended.
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MUSIC REVIEW: The Clallam County Commissioner Meeting (Live at the Courthouse)
By The Strait Shooter Staff
PORT ANGELES — If you missed this week’s Board of Commissioners meeting, you missed the most electric performance in local governance since the 1994 Lollapalooza tour stopped in the Gorge.
While most public comments are the bureaucratic equivalent of elevator jazz — dry, repetitive, and three minutes too long — local resident Mark Curtis took the microphone and decided to treat the chamber like a sold-out stadium gig. Dropping the standard “concerned citizen” rhetoric, Curtis went full-on Blood Sugar Sex Magik, channeling the spirit of 1991 Anthony Kiedis to protest current land-trust policies.
The Performance
The setlist was short, punchy, and surprisingly funky. Addressing the BIA’s land-use strategy, Curtis didn’t just talk policy; he dropped a rhythmic, lyrical bomb that left the room stunned.
“We are losing our ability for our land to achieve its possibility to bring our county prosperity for our families,” he crooned, before transitioning into the hook that stole the show:
“Because the BIA and Emily wants to give it away, give it away, give it away now. Give it away, give it away, give it away now.”
It was raw. It was unvarnished. It had the kind of jagged, Gen-X angst that hasn’t been felt in a government building since the invention of the Columbia House “12 CDs for a penny” scam. When he wrapped up with a casual, “Word to the commissioners, peace out,” followed by a polite, humble apology to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, we didn’t just have a public comment — we had a cultural moment.
The Case for Our New Regional Laureates
Let’s be honest: the official “Poet Laureate” program is gathering dust. It’s time for the County to pivot. We don’t need rhyming stanzas about salmon runs or rain-slicked cedars; we need the Parody Laureate program to honor the two greatest artists currently working the local political circuit:
Jeff Tozzer (The Sonic Satirist): Through his Clallam County Watchdog newsletter, Tozzer has been providing the high-frequency parody theme songs that local politics deserves. He’s the “Weird Al” of the Peninsula, turning bureaucratic drudgery into listenable, cynical gold.
Mark Curtis (The Performance Artist): Curtis brings the stage presence. He’s the frontman we didn’t know we needed, capable of turning a zoning dispute into a grunge-rock anthem.
The Verdict
The Commissioners seemed confused — some looked like they were trying to remember if they’d left their dial-up internet connected — but the audience knew greatness when they heard it. If you want to see true political passion, stop watching CSPAN. Head down to the Courthouse. It’s like a Beavis and Butt-Head episode where the commentary actually matters.
Rating: 5 out of 5 flannel shirts.
Best Track: “Give It Away (Commissioner’s Remix).”
Word to the BIA: The critics are listening, and they’ve got the bass turned all the way up.
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Commissioner French’s New Plan for Clallam County: Just Go Outside
By the Strait Shooter Staff
CLALLAM COUNTY — Commissioner Mike French recently offered residents exhausted by political arguments on social media some simple advice: “Go on a walk. Go find some live music. Check out a book at the library. Literally anything is better than arguing with people on social media.”
Residents immediately took the commissioner’s advice.
It did not go according to plan.
Go On a Walk
Port Angeles resident Gary Thompson reportedly put down his phone, tied his shoes, and headed downtown for a relaxing afternoon stroll.
“This is nice,” Thompson thought, approximately 47 seconds before encountering a discarded needle near the sidewalk.
He continued walking.
Two blocks later, he discovered something on the pavement that he initially hoped was mud.
It was not mud.
“I suddenly remembered there are some pretty interesting arguments happening on Facebook,” Thompson said while turning around.
County officials reminded residents that walking remains excellent cardiovascular exercise, particularly when periodically required to sidestep mysterious sidewalk deposits.
Go Find Some Live Music
Other residents decided Commissioner French was right and headed downtown to enjoy local musicians.
One couple found a guitarist playing outside a local establishment and settled in to enjoy the performance.
The evening’s opening act was apparently a man yelling at a parking meter.
“He wasn’t officially part of the show,” explained one attendee. “But he definitely had the most energy.”
The guitarist reportedly continued playing through the performance, demonstrating the professionalism expected of musicians who have developed the ability to distinguish between applause, shouting and someone having a lengthy disagreement with an object.
Residents agreed the experience was still considerably more peaceful than Facebook.
Barely.
Check Out a Book at the Library
Several residents then attempted Commissioner French’s safest suggestion: visiting the library.
“I figured, how complicated could that be?” said one resident. “Books. Chairs. Maybe a librarian tells somebody to whisper.”
Upon arriving, visitors discovered that modern libraries offer considerably more excitement than they remembered. One patron quietly browsed the history section while staff dealt with a person apparently experiencing a crisis nearby. Another tried reading a mystery novel while wondering whether the person slumped over several chairs was sleeping, intoxicated or in need of medical assistance.
“Eventually I realized the real mystery wasn’t in my book,” the patron said.
Library officials reportedly declined to introduce a new Dewey Decimal classification for Things You Were Not Expecting to Deal With While Looking for a James Patterson Novel.
Literally Anything
By late afternoon, residents began focusing heavily on the final portion of French’s advice: “Literally anything.”
Options reportedly included:
Staying home.
Mowing the lawn.
Cleaning the gutters.
Alphabetizing the spice cabinet.
Watching the washing machine complete an entire cycle.
Finally assembling that shelving unit that’s been sitting in the garage since 2022.
Staring silently at a wall.
“All solid choices,” said one resident. “The wall hasn’t yelled at me once.”
By evening, hundreds of residents reportedly returned to social media.
Commissioner French’s plan had nevertheless achieved one important breakthrough. People were no longer arguing about national politics. They were posting pictures of what they found on their walk.
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SPECIAL REPORT: Struggling DSA Campaign Unveils Bold New Strategy: “Fine, We’ll Just Nationalize Clallam County”
By the Strait Shooter Staff
PORT ANGELES — Facing disappointing primary returns, a local Democratic Socialists of America-backed campaign reportedly gathered supporters this week for an emergency strategy meeting to answer the most important question facing any struggling political movement: Should we moderate the message and appeal to more voters?
The answer was apparently no.
According to campaign insiders, strategists instead voted unanimously to go “Full Historical Communism,” concluding that the problem was not that voters found the platform too radical, but that residents had not yet experienced enough compulsory agriculture.
“We tried affordable housing. We tried healthcare. We tried taxing wealthy people,” explained one exhausted organizer while dramatically rolling out a red banner across a folding table. “Clearly, the voters are demanding collectivized lavender farms.”
The Five-Year Plan for Clallam County
The campaign’s revised platform, titled “The First Five-Year Plan for the People’s Democratic Republic of Clallam,” reportedly replaces ordinary county government with a sweeping program inspired by the least reassuring chapters of 20th-century political history.
Under the proposal, the three-member Board of County Commissioners would be replaced by the Supreme Clallam Soviet, consisting of 47 committees, 16 subcommittees and one person whose sole responsibility is determining whether another committee is necessary.
Private ownership of riding lawnmowers would immediately cease. “All lawn equipment belongs to the people,” explained the platform.
Residents needing to mow their yards would submit Form 12-B to the People’s Bureau of Grass Management and receive approximately eleven minutes with the Community Mower sometime between May and October.
Sequim’s lavender farms would be collectivized into Lavender Production Unit No. 1. Farmers would no longer decide how much lavender to grow. Instead, production quotas would be established by a committee headquartered in a windowless conference room in Port Angeles.
When farmers pointed out that agricultural production occasionally depends on weather, soil conditions and basic reality, officials reportedly accused them of counterrevolutionary horticulture.
The Great Costco Question
The most contentious issue involved the Sequim Costco. Party hardliners initially demanded immediate nationalization. Moderates argued that nobody should interfere with the $1.50 hot dog. After six hours of ideological debate, delegates reached a historic compromise:
Costco would become the People’s Central Distribution Warehouse, but the hot dog would remain $1.50 because even revolutionary governments understand there are limits.
Membership cards would be replaced with internal passports. Rotisserie chickens would be distributed according to household need. Anyone purchasing more than one package of toilet paper would be investigated for hoarding. The food court would remain largely unchanged.
“Frankly,” admitted one organizer, “Costco was already disturbingly close to our distribution model.”
County Government Gets Serious
The Department of Community Development would become the Ministry of Structures, Permits and Ideological Compliance. Building permits would still take approximately the same amount of time. “This is important,” explained one campaign official. “We don’t want residents frightened by sudden changes.”
The Sheriff’s Office would be replaced by the People’s Committee for Encouraging Voluntary Compliance With Mandatory Suggestions.
Property taxes would technically disappear. They would be replaced by Mandatory Voluntary Contributions to the Collective, calculated using a formula nobody is permitted to see.
County public comment would also undergo reform. Residents would still receive three minutes. However, the first two minutes would consist of acknowledging the historic achievements of the Central Committee. The remaining minute would be used to explain why their complaint is actually evidence that the Five-Year Plan is working.
The Great Olympic Peninsula Purge
Campaign strategists reportedly rejected actual political violence as “terrible optics,” instead developing a uniquely Clallam County version of Stalinist purges. Political enemies would simply be assigned to increasingly inconvenient public meetings.
First offense: Planning Commission.
Second offense: Solid Waste Advisory Committee.
Third offense: four consecutive hours discussing revisions to the county comprehensive plan.
“After that,” whispered one official, “most people confess.”
The most dangerous counterrevolutionaries would receive the ultimate punishment: Mandatory attendance at every Board of County Commissioners meeting for one full calendar year.
Human-rights observers immediately called the sentence excessive.
Resistance Emerges
Opposition quickly formed among several traditionally independent Clallam County populations. Farmers refused to surrender their tractors. Loggers ignored the Five-Year Plan entirely. Forks reportedly declared itself an autonomous republic before anyone could explain what was happening.
Sequim retirees formed an underground resistance operating from the Costco parking lot. Their symbol is a rotisserie chicken. Their password is: “Do you know what aisle the batteries are on?”
Government intelligence services have so far been unable to infiltrate the organization because every operative sent into Costco returned three hours later with $400 worth of unrelated merchandise.
Campaign Remains Optimistic
Despite the unexpectedly poor reception, campaign officials insist the new strategy will eventually resonate. “We believe voters are ready for revolutionary change,” explained the candidate’s newly appointed People’s Commissar for Electoral Optimism.
A reporter pointed toward the latest election results. The commissar stared silently at the numbers. “Those are bourgeois numbers.”
When asked whether the campaign might simply reconsider its policies if voters continue rejecting them, officials appeared confused.
“Reconsider?”
The room went silent. Someone slowly removed the reporter’s press credentials.
As of press time, the campaign had unveiled its new November slogan: “IF THE PEOPLE WON’T ELECT THE REVOLUTION, THE REVOLUTION WILL FORM A SUBCOMMITTEE TO DETERMINE WHY.”
Meanwhile, residents of Forks were reportedly building a border checkpoint out of logging trucks. Nobody has attempted to stop them.
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LETTER TO THE EDITOR
We Finally Made It
The Strait Shooter received its first official hate mail:
“This rag is a joke. Nothing but hate. Can this rag have any positive notes. I have yet to see anything positive but garbage.”
First of all, thank you.
We’ve been publishing satire for all this time wondering if anyone was actually reading it, and now we finally have confirmation. Someone read enough of it to become irritated. That’s basically our Pulitzer.
As for the allegation that The Strait Shooter contains “nothing positive but garbage,” we respectfully disagree. We have written positively about garbage on numerous occasions.
Garbage has become one of Clallam County’s most reliable recurring characters. It shows up consistently, generates public discussion, requires taxpayer funding, and occasionally gets its own advisory committee.
Frankly, garbage has better attendance than some elected officials.
But our reader raises an important question: Can The Strait Shooter have any positive notes?
Absolutely. Here are several:
The mountains are beautiful.
The Strait is beautiful.
Most people in Clallam County are decent people.
Local businesses work hard.
Our farmers grow great food.
Our first responders do difficult jobs.
Our communities routinely help neighbors when things go sideways.
And somewhere in Clallam County right now, a government employee is filling out a form that will eventually require another form.
See? We almost made it through an entire positive list. We’ll keep trying.
In the meantime, we sincerely appreciate our critic taking time out of their day to read a publication they apparently despise and then voluntarily provide us with free content.
Please keep the letters coming. Positive, negative, confused, furious — we accept them all. Unlike the county permitting department, no application fee is required.
Wow, your first piece of hate mail. Porcine Wonder, Victor Smith, Salsa Picante, and PowderMonkey have made it to the Strait Shooter. Have fun with that! Maybe they need to get off social media and take a walk in downtown PA wearing sandals and and a pair of myopic sunglasses. Keep up the great work, SS!
Love the Public Property Reclamation Lost & Found Center. A place where we can take undeveloped land like the Dungeness Spit and Protection Island to be found by the new CEOs of capitalism, the Jamestown S'Klallam Tribe. Heck; we're not using it, so why not give it to the tribe; or would we be giving it the tribe's ancestors ? That's a hard one to figure out.