League Of Women Voters Alarmed To Discover Voters Are Not A Self-Renewing Resource
By the Strait Shooter Staff
PORT ANGELES — The League of Women Voters is reportedly facing an unexpected shortage of voters after the latest Clallam County primary produced roughly 45 percent turnout, prompting the organization to begin asking where the other 55 percent went and whether anyone had thought to check Facebook.
The League has spent recent months urging residents to “save our democracy” from in front of the Port Angeles courthouse and at Sequim’s busiest intersection, where volunteers have held signs concerning Donald Trump and other matters of national importance while watching thousands of people drive past on their way to buy groceries, go to work or do literally anything else.
“We’re getting tremendous exposure,” one League member said. “We just aren’t getting tremendous voting.”
The organization is reportedly considering whether the problem is that its demonstrations have become too focused on people who already agree with them. The same people who stop to photograph the signs are generally the same people who already know who they are voting for, already hate Donald Trump and already have an opinion about democracy that could be delivered without stopping to read a sign.
One member suggested that the League might try standing somewhere else. Another suggested making the signs bigger. A third suggested adding more exclamation points.
The largest proposed sign currently reads “SAVE OUR DEMOCRACY!!!” and is expected to be visible from several blocks away, assuming the viewer has already decided to care.
The League has also been experimenting with social media in an effort to reach people who are not standing at the courthouse. Its Facebook presence remains active, although members have reportedly encountered the modern communications problem of producing a meme and then explaining the meme beneath it.
One recent post reportedly contained a political joke followed by enough explanatory text to qualify as an essay. “We wanted to make sure people understood the message,” a member said. They did. They just didn’t like it.
The League has also begun examining why it is having difficulty reaching men, despite the organization having a very clear answer sitting in its name. The handful of men who regularly attend League events have reportedly been asked to help recruit other men, an assignment that has so far produced little besides additional attendance by the same handful of men.
“We’re trying to broaden participation,” one organizer said. The men have volunteered to form a committee. The committee will meet at the next League meeting. The same men are expected to attend.
Clallam County’s growing retiree population has provided another mystery. The League has long had access to a population with time, disposable income and an interest in local affairs, but today’s retirees are arriving with smartphones, streaming services and an increasingly sophisticated ability to ignore civic organizations without ever having to leave the house.
“We used to be able to mail people something,” one member said.
The League still can. It does. The mail is reportedly working about as well as the Facebook.
Members are now considering whether voter outreach should be redesigned around the possibility that modern residents do not necessarily want to join organizations, attend forums or stand outside buildings holding signs.
A proposal to meet people through online video was discussed until someone asked whether the League had a YouTube channel. It does. Nobody knew the password.
The organization has nevertheless concluded that technology remains an important part of its future. A TikTok strategy is reportedly being explored, although the first proposed video was described as a 90-second explanation of ranked-choice voting. It was not selected.
The League is also reconsidering its habit of treating every election as the election that will determine whether democracy survives. Members have warned residents about existential political consequences so frequently that some voters may now regard democracy as a medical condition with an unusually long recovery period.
Still, the League remains committed to the message. The next demonstration is expected to take place in front of the Port Angeles courthouse and at the busiest intersection in Sequim.
The signs will be larger. The Facebook posts will be shorter. The memes will be explained more efficiently. And somewhere nearby, the same five men who attend every League event will presumably be available to discuss why more men are not attending League events.
As of press time, the League had not determined where the missing 55 percent of voters were. It did, however, have a meeting scheduled to discuss it.
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Clallam County Fair Introduces Virtual Rides For People Who Have Seen Everything Already
By the Strait Shooter Staff
PORT ANGELES — The Clallam County Fair is introducing three new virtual attractions this weekend, giving fairgoers the opportunity to experience several of the peninsula’s most recognizable attractions without the inconvenience of actually going anywhere.
The new rides include the Lavender Experience, the Bell Hill Experience, and the Protesting Experience, each designed to simulate a uniquely Clallam County afternoon while requiring little more than a chair and an increasingly questionable sense of optimism.
The Lavender Experience was expected to be the biggest draw until fair officials discovered that nobody could determine what, exactly, visitors were supposed to experience. Participants enter a virtual field, watch several thousand lavender plants sway gently in the breeze and are then offered the opportunity to purchase a small bottle of lavender oil for $14.
The experience lasts approximately four minutes. “We’re still trying to figure out why people aren’t lining up,” said a fair representative.
Several visitors reportedly pointed out that lavender is already growing everywhere around the county and that they could obtain essentially the same experience by driving around Sequim without paying admission.
The fair is now considering adding a virtual gift shop.
The Protesting Experience has received a similarly lukewarm response. Participants are seated in front of a large screen showing people holding signs, expressing outrage and explaining why something must immediately be stopped. Every few minutes, a new protest appears, followed by another protest objecting to the first protest.
The League of Women Voters is reportedly operating the attraction as a fundraiser and remains confused about the poor attendance.
“We thought people would find it exciting,” one organizer said. Visitors said they could get the same experience by going downtown.
The Bell Hill Experience, however, has been an unexpected success.
Participants are transported virtually to a quiet hillside where they hear birds, see trees, observe no demonstrations and encounter almost no one asking them to sign anything. The attraction includes several minutes of uninterrupted peace before the screen displays the words: “YOU MAY NOW RETURN HOME.”
The experience has been so popular that fair officials have struggled to get people back. “People kept taking off their headsets and leaving the fair,” an employee said. Fair organizers eventually discovered that the participants were driving back to Bell Hill.
The attraction has now been extended to include a virtual return trip, although nobody has stayed long enough to review it.
Officials said the fair remains committed to expanding its virtual offerings next year, including proposed experiences based on county permitting, waiting for road construction and attempting to find a parking space downtown.
Those attractions are expected to be fully immersive.
Fair attendance is expected to remain strong through the weekend, provided visitors can be persuaded to leave Bell Hill long enough to get there.
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Constitution Allows Clallam County Residents To Behave Badly, Officials Confirm
By the Strait Shooter Staff
CLALLAM COUNTY — The Constitution allows Clallam County residents to behave badly, according to local officials, who confirmed this week that citizens may be rude, vindictive, insulting, dishonest, hypocritical and profoundly irritating without fear of arrest, provided they remain within the increasingly generous boundaries of lawful conduct.
The clarification has been welcomed by residents who have spent years insisting that society has lost all standards while simultaneously taking advantage of every available opportunity to demonstrate that they have none. Under the First Amendment, officials explained, a person can call an elected official an idiot, accuse a neighbor of being a fascist, make an offensive cartoon, organize an obnoxious protest or spend an entire public-comment period explaining that everyone else is corrupt.
They can also be wrong.
“This is an important constitutional protection,” said a local attorney. “The government is not permitted to require good taste, good manners or even basic decency. If it could, we would have to close down most of Port Angeles.”
The announcement has been particularly encouraging to activists who have advocated defunding police, abolishing prisons and dismantling the constitutional system itself. Several have reportedly begun reconsidering whether the Constitution should be abolished immediately or only after they have finished using it.
“We don’t believe the Constitution should exist,” said one organizer. “But we absolutely believe it should protect our right to say that.”
The group is now planning a demonstration outside the Sheriff’s Office calling for the abolition of law enforcement while asking deputies to make sure nobody interferes with the demonstration. Organizers have also requested that police remain nearby in case anyone attempts to exercise their own First Amendment rights in an insufficiently supportive manner.
A separate committee has reportedly begun drafting a resolution declaring the Constitution illegitimate, which members intend to submit to the county under procedures established by the Constitution.
The resolution will be printed on government paper.
Residents have also been reminded that there are limits. A person may tell an elected official that he is a disgrace, a moron or the worst thing to happen to Clallam County since property taxes. He may not make a genuine threat of violence. He may make a sign saying “GO HOME.” He should probably not attach it to the front door of someone’s actual home.
He may accuse a political opponent of being dishonest. He may not forge documents to create evidence of the dishonesty.
He may tell his neighbor that he hopes the neighbor has a terrible day. He may not follow the neighbor around with a shovel while saying it.
Officials said these distinctions are important because the Constitution protects expression, not every conceivable consequence of having expressed yourself.
The explanation has caused some confusion among residents who had previously understood free speech to mean that nobody could criticize them after they exercised it.
“That is not how it works,” said one county official. “You can say something terrible. I can say that it was terrible. You can then say that I am violating your free-speech rights by saying it was terrible. At that point, we have achieved the full constitutional experience.”
The county has reportedly seen a surge in interest from residents seeking to determine exactly how unpleasant they are permitted to become before crossing a legal line. One man has asked whether he can distribute flyers accusing his homeowners association of being “a homeowners dictatorship.” Another wants to know whether repeatedly honking at a school board member is protected political expression. A third has asked whether he can describe a county employee as “an enemy of civilization” if he includes the phrase “in my opinion.”
The legal department is reviewing the questions.
Meanwhile, a group of local residents has proposed a new civic initiative encouraging people to “exercise their constitutional rights responsibly,” although organizers have been unable to agree on what responsible means. The first meeting reportedly ended when two members accused each other of fascism and one left after being told that his interpretation of the First Amendment was stupid.
All three remained legally protected.
The county’s black-tailed deer have also become involved in the debate, albeit unintentionally. One deer was recently observed standing in the middle of a Port Angeles street for approximately ten minutes while traffic accumulated behind it. After several drivers honked, the deer entered a nearby yard and began eating flowers.
A homeowner attempted to chase it away. The deer returned the following morning.
Officials said they were not aware of any constitutional provision governing deer, although county attorneys acknowledged that the animal appeared to have a stronger understanding of personal boundaries than several recent participants in local government meetings.
As of press time, county officials were preparing additional guidance explaining that residents are free to express unpopular opinions, offend one another, criticize government and generally make themselves unpleasant to be around, but remain responsible for any actual crimes they commit.
The guidance will also remind residents that constitutional protection does not require anyone else to respect them, invite them to dinner, vote for them, answer their emails or pretend their behavior is admirable. The document is expected to be released following public comment.
Public comment is expected to be lengthy.
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Clallam County Fair Food Vendors Warned Not To Invent New Forms Of Salsa
By the Strait Shooter Staff
PORT ANGELES — Fair organizers are warning food vendors to exercise restraint after this year’s introduction of Clallam County Salsa generated considerable enthusiasm before attendees discovered that the product had the unusual ability to clear an entire picnic area within minutes.
The stand initially appeared to be a major success, with a line forming shortly after opening. Customers praised the salsa’s bold flavor, unusual texture and impressive ability to remain on a tortilla chip without falling off.
Then people started leaving.
“It was sudden,” one vendor said. “One minute everybody was eating. The next minute there were a lot of people asking where the exits were.”
The salsa was advertised as locally produced, although no one could establish precisely what part of Clallam County had produced it. Officials eventually determined that the salsa had not been grown locally, made locally or apparently even emotionally connected to the county.
Its only local quality was that someone had put “Clallam County” on the label.
The salsa has since become the subject of intense discussion among fairgoers, particularly because its flavor reportedly resembled the work of an anonymous local blog known for publishing claims with the nutritional value of wet cardboard.
Locals have long referred to the blog’s output as toxic salsa, and several fair attendees said the new food product finally gave the phrase a physical form.
“It tasted exactly like reading that blog,” one customer said. “I thought I was going to be sick, and then I remembered I was.”
The vendor has denied any connection between the salsa and the blog.
Officials confirmed the salsa was not manufactured by the blog, although they have not ruled out the possibility that the recipe was developed by someone who had spent too much time reading it.
Other food offerings at the fair have been less controversial. New this year is the County Fair Chowder Dog, consisting of a hot dog placed inside a hollowed-out loaf of sourdough and filled with clam chowder.
A second vendor is offering Sequim Strawberry Nachos, which contain no strawberries but are served on purple tortilla chips and accompanied by a sign explaining the concept.
Another popular item is the Olympic Peninsula Freedom Funnel Cake, which is identical to a normal funnel cake except that the price increases every time someone complains about it.
The fair’s most successful new item may be the Mystery Meat Corn Dog, which officials insist contains meat but have declined to identify beyond saying it is “consistent with county standards.”
As of press time, the Clallam County Salsa stand had closed for the remainder of the day. The vendor said the recipe was being reviewed. Several unopened jars remained on the counter. Nobody appeared interested in finding out what was inside.
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Letter to the Editor
Maybe Jake Seegers Is Too Cool for This
Dear Editor,
I have been watching the increasingly enthusiastic effort to make Jake Seegers look bad, and I am starting to wonder if the people behind it have accidentally made him look pretty impressive instead.
They have plastered his face around town calling him a carpetbagger, telling him to go back to Texas and comparing him to Charlie Kirk. Meanwhile, Seegers apparently hasn’t felt the need to turn it into a personal crusade. He isn’t demanding everyone panic, isn’t pressing charges and, as far as I can tell, is simply continuing his campaign.
That is beginning to look less like weakness and more like an unusually effective demonstration of not giving a damn.
Most candidates spend thousands of dollars trying to convince voters they’re tough under pressure. Seegers is apparently getting that demonstration for free, courtesy of people who dislike him so much they can’t stop putting his face everywhere.
There is a certain genius to it.
“Jake Seegers is terrible!”
“Where did you see that?”
“On a sticker with Jake Seegers’ face on it.”
“Ah. Good to know what he looks like.”
At this point, I am not sure whether the smear campaign is hurting Seegers or providing him with the most aggressive unpaid advertising campaign in Clallam County.
So congratulations to everyone involved.
You may have succeeded in making me wonder whether I should vote for the guy simply because, while everyone else is losing their minds, Jake Seegers appears to be out there doing the remarkably uncool thing of staying focused on his campaign.
And frankly, that’s starting to look pretty cool.
— A voter who apparently needs to be told what to think by a sticker
Your last comment on Seegers is great. The more Jake stays cool, more intense on fixing our problems in our county, shows this community how calm he can stay under chaos.
GO JAKE!! This is the kind of leader we need
I always admire your writing. I would like to stand in an outsiders shoes and laugh until my gut hurt so bad I would fall to the floor laughing. Yes, I could have just wrote ROFL but where is the excitement in that 🤦♀️. I get that sick punch in the stomach feeling reading these realities put to pun. Keep it going these rascals need to be herded as any cattle does because they are dangerous when let loose. They make a mess everywhere they go and they stink..... not the cattle just LWV.