May the Fifth Edition

Residents report disturbances in the force while county government continues disturbing everyone

Sequim Residents Just Two Signatures Away From Tote Bag After Council Endorses Island Giveaway Letter

Officials say rewards program helps public “stay engaged” with decisions already agreed to

By the Strait Shooter Staff

SEQUIM — City officials confirmed Tuesday that residents are now just two signatures away from unlocking a commemorative tote bag, after the Sequim City Council agreed to sign onto a letter supporting the transfer of regional landmarks to the Jamestown S’Klallam Tribe.

The letter — originally drafted as a show of support for placing Protection Island and the Dungeness National Wildlife Refuge under tribal control — was signed by councilmembers despite what officials described as “notable but ultimately non-binding levels of public disagreement.”

“We heard the concerns,” said one councilmember while carefully aligning a fourth punch on the city’s shared rewards card. “And we want residents to know their input remains an important part of the process as we continue to move forward without it.”

The endorsement marks the latest milestone in Sequim’s newly unveiled Land Transfer Rewards Program, a civic initiative designed to give the public “a sense of participation” in land-related decisions by tracking each agreement and offering incremental prizes.

According to program guidelines, every official action supporting land transfers — whether through votes, endorsements, or letters of support — counts toward the community’s progress. With the latest signature, Sequim has now reached three out of five punches required to unlock its first reward tier: a limited-edition tote bag reading “Sequim: Proud Participant.”

City staff confirmed that the tote bags are currently in production and will be distributed collectively, with one bag made available for public viewing inside City Hall.

“We want something tangible people can look at,” said a staff member. “It helps ground the process.”

Officials noted that while the city does not have direct authority over federal lands like Protection Island or the Dungeness refuge, its willingness to formally support the initiative demonstrates “regional alignment” and “a proactive approach to being agreeable.”

Residents attending the meeting reportedly voiced concerns about the implications of the endorsement, with several questioning why the council would attach its name to a proposal lacking broad local support.

In response, officials reiterated that the rewards program is not intended to reflect consensus, but rather to “recognize momentum.”

“Whether people agree or not, progress is happening,” one official explained. “And we think it’s important to celebrate that.”

At press time, councilmembers were reportedly reviewing additional opportunities to “keep the streak alive,” including preemptively drafting support letters for future proposals in order to maintain what they described as “a healthy pace toward rewards.”

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Opponents Call Seegers “Carpetbagger,” Accidentally Reveal They Still Refer to Movies as “Talkies”

By the Strait Shooter Staff

CLALLAM COUNTY — A wave of campaign-season tension took an unexpected turn this week after opponents of commissioner candidate Jake Seegers began labeling him a “carpetbagger,” a term last widely deployed sometime between the end of the Civil War and the invention of indoor plumbing.

The stickers — carefully placed on public signs, utility poles, and at least one aggressively neutral-looking mailbox — appear to be part of a coordinated effort to question Seegers’ local roots. However, political observers say the real story may not be the insult itself, but the era it was pulled from.

“You don’t just casually arrive at ‘carpetbagger,’” said one local historian who asked to remain anonymous to avoid being handed a pamphlet. “That’s not a word you stumble into. That’s a word you’ve been carrying around since Rutherford B. Hayes was a current event.”

Witnesses report that several individuals distributing the stickers were later seen using phrases such as “land sakes,” “that’ll show him,” and “fetch me my spectacles,” further reinforcing suspicions that the campaign strategy may have been workshopped during a very spirited 1890 town hall.

Local residents expressed confusion about the messaging.

“I had to Google it,” said one Sequim voter. “At first I thought it was a flooring complaint. Like maybe the guy installs bad carpet.”

Others noted that while the intent was clearly to cast Seegers as an outsider, the execution raised questions about whether his critics are more concerned with residency — or the preservation of historically accurate insults.

“It’s not even the insult,” said another resident. “It’s the commitment. If you’re going to go that far back, just lean into it. Call him a scoundrel. Accuse him of owning too many monocles. Really round it out.”

At press time, unconfirmed reports indicated that a second round of stickers may be in development, possibly featuring phrases like “bounder,” “ne’er-do-well,” and “unsuitable for polite society,” pending final approval from what sources describe as “a very stern quilting circle.”

Meanwhile, Seegers’ campaign has not directly responded to the terminology but did release a brief statement noting that he has “never owned a carpetbag” and “generally prefers modern luggage options.”

County officials have reminded residents that posting materials on public property without authorization remains a violation of local ordinances, regardless of whether the message is contemporary, outdated, or “fresh off the Oregon Trail.”

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Know Your Community: The Fool District

Embattled Pool Board Embraces Branding Strategy That Officials Say “Finally Reflects Operational Reality”

By the Strait Shooter Staff

CLALLAM COUNTY — In what board members described as a “clarifying administrative adjustment,” the William Shore Memorial Pool District was unofficially renamed “The Fool District” this week, with officials confirming the change better aligns with an ongoing investigation into what sources termed “foolish bookkeeping and broadly experimental financial practices.”

In a statement released Tuesday, the board emphasized that the rebranding effort is not intended to signal dysfunction, but rather to “own the narrative” while continuing operations largely unchanged. “The term ‘fool’ has historically been misunderstood,” the statement read. “In this case, it refers to a willingness to innovate beyond conventional accounting frameworks and community service boundaries.”

According to internal documents, the district’s latest initiative expands its existing shower voucher program — originally intended for homeless transients — to include “a wider spectrum of community participants,” including dogs, bears, wolves, raccoons, and “any organism capable of biting.” Officials noted that, to date, no incidents have been reported involving the human population utilizing the showers, which they cited as evidence supporting the program’s scalability.

“Given the absence of negative outcomes among our transient users, we see no administrative basis for excluding other mammals, or in some cases, highly motivated omnivores,” said a board treasurer during a press briefing, adding that eligibility requirements for animals will remain “fluid and largely self-determined.”

The expansion is expected to foster what the district describes as “cross-species cohesion,” with new signage planned to encourage respectful turn-taking in shower facilities. Draft guidelines recommend that predators “announce intent” prior to entering enclosed spaces and that smaller participants “remain situationally aware.”

County officials confirmed that the investigation into the district’s financial practices is ongoing, though preliminary findings suggest that several line items, including “miscellaneous aquatic morale expenses” and “contingency fish acquisition,” may have been approved without standard oversight. When asked about these expenditures, a board representative stated they were “aligned with future-forward programming.”

Among those programs is the recently proposed “Piranha Night,” an initiative that would allow children to swim alongside piranhas in what officials described as a “controlled, mutually educational environment.” According to planning documents, the event aims to “reintroduce calibrated risk into youth recreation” while reducing long-term liability through what one memo calls “adaptive participant expectations.”

Despite concerns raised by some residents, the board remains confident in its direction. “Community means different things to different entities,” the statement concluded. “At The Fool District, we are committed to ensuring that every stakeholder — regardless of species, temperament, or dental configuration — has access to clean facilities and meaningful aquatic engagement.”

At press time, officials confirmed that budget shortfalls would be addressed by reclassifying them as “philosophical surpluses.”

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