Peninsula Logic
Where bold ideas, questionable solutions, and perfectly normal government meetings continue to produce headlines nobody could have predicted — but somehow everyone expected.
County Launches Landmark Renaming Initiative to “Better Reflect Reality”
By the Strait Shooter Staff
CLALLAM COUNTY — County leaders announced a new initiative this week aimed at renaming several well-known landmarks to better reflect how residents actually experience them.
Officials say the effort was inspired by ongoing discussions about installing a new sign at the county courthouse, as well as broader conversations about whether the courthouse itself should be renamed.
Rather than stopping there, county planners decided the momentum should continue across the region.
“Once you start rebranding one thing, it just makes sense to keep going,” one official explained. “Communities evolve. Our signage should evolve with it.”
First Target: The UnSafeway
Among the first landmarks under review is the Safeway in Port Angeles, which officials say may soon receive an updated sign identifying it as “The UnSafeway.”
According to planners, the new name would help clarify the facility’s current role in the community.
“The traditional branding suggests groceries,” said one member of the initiative. “But residents have come to recognize the location for a much wider range of activities.”
Supporters say the new signage would reduce confusion by signaling that the property now functions as a multi-purpose outdoor marketplace, where visitors can engage in unscheduled commerce and recreational consumption without needing to travel elsewhere.
“Clear labeling helps everyone,” the official added.
County Name Also Under Review
The renaming initiative has also sparked debate over whether the county itself should adopt a name that more accurately reflects its reputation.
Two proposals have emerged from residents:
Criminal County — intended to acknowledge the perception that crime has become one of the region’s defining characteristics.
Clown County — proposed by residents who argue that the county’s policy decisions better reflect circus-like governance than criminal activity alone.
County leaders say the matter is too important to decide internally.
Instead, voters will be asked to choose between the two names during an upcoming special election.
“We believe in public participation,” one administrator said. “If people feel strongly about whether they live in Criminal County or Clown County, they should have a voice.”
Supporting Regional Economic Development
The initiative also includes a procurement requirement intended to promote regional cooperation.
Under the plan, all new signage will be ordered from a sign company located in Silverdale, outside Clallam County.
Officials say the arrangement will ensure Kitsap County businesses continue to benefit from the economic activity generated by the rebranding effort.
“Economic development is regional,” one planner explained. “Sometimes the best way to support your neighbors is by not using your own local businesses.”
If approved, the first wave of renamed landmark signs could begin appearing later this year, marking what officials describe as “a new era of honest labeling for the county.”
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Commissioners Simplify Budget Process by Skipping Debate and Just Asking for Money
By the Strait Shooter Staff
CLALLAM COUNTY — After months of public meetings in which residents repeatedly questioned tax increases, spending priorities, and new initiatives, several visibly exhausted county commissioners announced this week that they are simplifying the entire process.
Instead of presenting proposals, explaining budgets, and answering public comment, commissioners will now proceed directly to the most efficient step.
“Give us your money.”
The announcement came during a routine public meeting that had already run long after several residents asked questions about property taxes, county spending, and the growing list of programs supported by taxpayer funds.
Witnesses say the room had just entered its third hour of discussion when one commissioner slowly leaned toward the microphone, sighed heavily, and delivered the new policy in its entirety.
“Look,” the commissioner said, rubbing his temples. “We can keep doing this the hard way, or we can all save some time. Just give us your money.”
A Streamlined Government Process
Officials say the change will dramatically reduce meeting times while increasing government efficiency.
Previously, commissioners would spend hours discussing:
• Budgets
• Taxes
• Programs
• Infrastructure
• Public concerns
Now, those steps will be condensed into a single agenda item labeled “Revenue Acquisition.”
“We’re eliminating unnecessary middle steps,” one commissioner explained. “Government should be efficient.”
Public Comment Also Simplified
Residents will still be allowed to provide public comment under the new system, though commissioners say responses may be more concise going forward.
For example:
Resident: “Why are property taxes going up again?”
Commissioner: “Money.”
Resident: “What will the money be used for?”
Commissioner: “Things.”
Resident: “Can we vote on this?”
Commissioner: “No, but thank you for your interest in civic participation.”
New Budget Transparency Plan
To maintain transparency, the county also unveiled a draft plan for a new budget presentation format.
The presentation will consist of a single slide showing:
REVENUE NEEDED: MORE
Officials believe the simplified chart will be easier for residents to understand than previous budget documents that included complicated charts, spreadsheets, and explanations.
Commissioners Express Relief
Several commissioners admitted privately that the new approach feels more honest than previous budget discussions.
“For years we’ve had to pretend there’s a complicated explanation,” one official said. “But at the end of the day the message is the same.”
The commissioner then leaned back in his chair and repeated the county’s updated fiscal strategy one more time for clarity.
“Just give us your money.”
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County Moves to Replace Colonial Sports With “Culturally Appropriate Gambling”
By the Strait Shooter Staff
SEQUIM — In an effort to protect the heritage of tribes who have stewarded the Olympic Peninsula since time immemorial, county officials announced a new initiative this week to eliminate sports that remind anyone of colonization.
The proposal focuses on recreational activities whose historical origins can be traced back to cultures that once sailed across oceans, claimed land, and invented sports leagues.
First on the list: golf.
“Golf comes from Scotland,” one official explained while standing near a putting green that may soon become a valet drop-off. “And Scotland is part of Europe. Europe colonized things. So when you really think about it, every time someone tees off, it’s basically a history lesson.”
Under the proposal, golf courses around Sequim will be gradually phased out and repurposed into developments that officials describe as “more culturally aligned uses.”
Early concept sketches show fairways converted into casino resorts, hotel towers, and multi-lane valet parking areas.
Soccer Also Identified as Colonial Activity
The county also identified soccer as problematic due to its origins in England.
“England colonized a lot of places,” a planner noted while pointing to a map covered in arrows. “And soccer came from England. So that connection is pretty obvious.”
As a result, Sequim’s soccer fields are currently being studied for redevelopment.
Officials say the land could soon host high-tech gaming floors, luxury hotel suites, and possibly a buffet large enough to be seen from space.
Football Barely Survives Review
Even American football, long considered a wholesome American pastime, is now under scrutiny.
While football was invented in the United States, planners noted that the United States itself emerged during a period of colonization.
“Once you start tracing the timeline, it gets pretty uncomfortable,” one official admitted.
As a precaution, football fields may also be retired.
New Recreational Opportunities
Replacing these sports will be a new category of leisure activity that officials say better reflects modern tribal economic success: casino gaming.
Instead of:
• Driving ranges
• Soccer tournaments
• Friday night football
Residents may soon enjoy:
• Slot machine tournaments
• Competitive buffet dining
• High-stakes blackjack leagues
• Robot-delivered room service
Developers say the transformation will modernize Sequim’s recreational landscape while eliminating sports that accidentally remind anyone of European history.
A Community Transition
County leaders say they understand the transition may be difficult for some residents who grew up playing sports in the area.
“Change can be hard,” one official acknowledged. “But we think people will adjust quickly once they realize their old soccer field now has a 24-hour steakhouse and a spa.”
Early design proposals show former athletic complexes converted into state-of-the-art casino resorts, complete with neon lighting, fountains, and several thousand parking spaces.
Planners say the project will ensure that future generations can enjoy recreation completely free from colonial influence — while still conveniently located next to a slot machine.
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County Launches “Pets for the Unhoused” Initiative to Solve Two Problems at Once
By the Strait Shooter Staff
CLALLAM COUNTY — In what officials describe as a “compassion-forward, multi-solution initiative,” Clallam County announced a new program this week that will provide every unhoused resident in the county with a free dog or cat.
County leaders say the plan addresses two major issues simultaneously: overcrowded animal shelters and the emotional needs of the county’s homeless population.
“It’s a win-win,” one program coordinator explained during a press briefing. “Shelters get relief, and people experiencing homelessness get companionship.”
The initiative, funded entirely by taxpayers, will begin by pairing individuals living outdoors with animals currently housed in local shelters.
Officials say the program could potentially place hundreds of animals into new living situations across the county.
Companionship as a Public Service
County representatives emphasized that companionship plays a critical role in emotional well-being.
“Loneliness is a major issue,” said one county staff member. “Everyone deserves a loyal friend, especially someone going through difficult circumstances.”
Under the program, participants will be able to choose between dogs and cats, depending on their personal preference and campsite compatibility.
“Some people are dog people. Some people are cat people,” the official said. “We want to respect that.”
Program Includes Support Services
To ensure the animals thrive in their new environments, the county plans to provide additional taxpayer-funded services, including:
• Pet food distribution
• Veterinary care
• Vaccinations
• Leashes and carriers
• Pet bedding and toys
Officials say this support system will help both animals and owners adapt to their new partnership.
“We’re committed to making sure every animal is well cared for,” the county stated.
Shelters Welcome the Relief
Local animal shelters have expressed optimism about the program’s potential impact.
Many shelters have struggled with limited space and increasing numbers of surrendered animals.
“This could dramatically reduce overcrowding,” one shelter volunteer said. “It’s not every day you get a solution that moves animals out of cages and into the community.”
Community Reaction Mixed
While supporters praise the program as compassionate and innovative, some residents have raised questions about long-term outcomes and program costs.
County officials say those concerns are understandable but emphasize that the program represents a creative approach to addressing multiple community challenges at once.
“Sometimes solutions require thinking outside the box,” one official said.
When asked how much the program might ultimately cost taxpayers, the official paused for a moment before responding.
“We’re still working on that part.”
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Letter to the Editor
To the editors of the Strait Shooter,
I have been a loyal consumer of local news for many years, and frankly I am stunned — absolutely stunned — by your refusal to properly terrify the public.
Every other responsible news outlet understands the basic duty of journalism: keep people alarmed at all times. That is how citizens stay engaged. Fear is the glue that holds society together. Without a steady stream of dread, people might start relaxing, thinking clearly, or worse — laughing.
Yet week after week your publication insists on making jokes.
Jokes.
Do you have any idea how inappropriate humor is during what is clearly the most unprecedented crisis in recorded human history? And I say that confidently because every week I am informed that the current week is the most unprecedented week ever.
The rest of the media ecosystem understands this. They have perfected the art of constant escalation:
• If something bad might happen, it is reported as inevitable.
• If something inevitable might happen, it is reported as already happening.
• And if nothing is happening, they find an expert who says it could happen soon.
This is responsible journalism.
But your publication? Instead of warning us that civilization is collapsing every 30 minutes, you publish satire about county government and local absurdities. You make people chuckle when they should be pacing their living rooms in a state of permanent existential dread.
Do you understand how dangerous that is?
Laughter leads to perspective. Perspective leads to calm thinking. Calm thinking leads to questions. And questions are extremely inconvenient for people who rely on fear to keep everyone in line.
I demand that you immediately correct course.
From now on your headlines should read things like:
“Experts Warn Everything Is Getting Worse Immediately.”
“Officials Say New Crisis Could Be Bigger Than Previous Crisis.”
“Residents Advised to Panic Responsibly.”
Until I see at least three emotionally destabilizing headlines per day, I will continue to consider your publication dangerously under-alarming.
This community deserves constant anxiety, and it is frankly irresponsible of you to deprive us of it.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen Who Is Absolutely Certain Everything Is Terrible
You are firing on all cylinders! I hear that transactions outside a Port Angeles second-hand store have led to it being nicknamed the "HoodWill."
Good morning SS,
So good !
When my son came home and informed me of the naming of the Unsafeway...I was ashamed of our so called leaders. I think we might have an edge on the criminal count here so ... Clown gets my vote.
Our pets if the county deserve better!
Behavioral health system needs a clue... Thanks for the better perspective!
Thanks and have a great day all!