Tuesday Timeout Edition
Pausing the chaos just long enough to roast it
CLALLAM COUNTY ACTION FIGURE LINE HALTED: Randy Johnson Doll Cancelled Due to Lack of Public Awareness
Manufacturer says there simply isn’t enough information about the District 2 commissioner to justify a collectible
By the Strait Shooter Staff
PORT ANGELES — The long-awaited third installment of the Clallam County Commissioner Action Figure Series will not be hitting store shelves after all, with manufacturers announcing this week that the planned Randy Johnson figure has been cancelled due to what industry insiders are calling a severe “lack of character recognition.”
The decision comes after the successful releases of the Mark Ozias and Mike French action figures, both of which reportedly generated enough public curiosity to justify the enormous expense of placing tiny county commissioners into tiny plastic boxes.
Randy Johnson, however, presented a unique challenge.
While Johnson has served as Clallam County’s District 2 commissioner since 2017 and currently holds a term extending through 2028, researchers assigned to the project reportedly discovered that many residents knew remarkably little about what, exactly, they were supposed to do with a Randy Johnson action figure once they owned one.
The manufacturer initially considered giving the figure several accessories, including a tiny county agenda, a miniature commissioner’s chair and a stack of documents that could be moved from one side of a desk to the other.
Unfortunately, none of the accessories tested well with focus groups.
The proposed “Randy Johnson Speaks!” feature was also abandoned after engineers determined that the button would need to be pressed several times before anything happened, at which point testers had generally lost interest and wandered away.
A second prototype featured a pull-string mechanism that would cause the figure to make a carefully considered statement about county government. The pull-string was eventually removed after the manufacturer concluded that nobody could remember what the statement was.
The company reportedly considered simply putting a tiny suit on an empty plastic stand and calling it “Commissioner Johnson: Limited Edition,” but even that was deemed too aggressive.
The cancellation has devastated the local action-figure industry, although several manufacturers admitted privately that the problem was not Johnson himself but the marketing challenge of selling a collectible based on a commissioner who does not appear to be particularly interested in becoming a collectible.
“People know there are three commissioners,” said one industry analyst. “They can identify two of them in a police lineup. The third one is Randy Johnson.”
The manufacturer is now exploring alternative ways to commemorate Johnson’s service, including a Randy Johnson Collector’s Box containing absolutely nothing, which executives say would be the most accurate representation of the public’s current knowledge of the product.
A deluxe version was briefly considered featuring a tiny Randy Johnson standing quietly beside a miniature county seal. It was rejected after nobody could determine whether the figure was supposed to be doing anything.
The company has instead announced plans to discontinue the entire Johnson product line before the product line technically exists.
Johnson himself remains a Clallam County commissioner, apparently unaware that he has just been rejected by the toy industry.
Sources say he continues to attend meetings, work on county business and carry out the responsibilities of his office, which experts say may be precisely the problem.
In the increasingly celebrity-driven world of collectible county commissioners, simply doing the job is apparently not enough.
You have to give the public something to put on a shelf.
And unfortunately for Randy Johnson, nobody knows what that something is.
The Strait Shooter has learned that the manufacturer is currently considering replacing the cancelled Randy Johnson figure with a second Mike French.
Sales projections are excellent.
SPECIAL REPORT: Clallam County Launches Friday Evacuation Plan as Residents Flee Sequim’s New “Tantrump”
Timeout Enthusiasts reportedly crossing county lines to escape weekly political spectacle, while one bald eagle questions everyone’s life choices
By the Strait Shooter Staff
SEQUIM — Clallam County residents appear to have developed a new Friday afternoon tradition, and it involves leaving Clallam County as quickly as possible.
The phenomenon, according to local observers, is being driven by the arrival of what residents have begun calling the Tantrump, a new weekly Sequim event combining President Trump, political protest and the unmistakable emotional energy of a tantrum.
The Tantrump occurs when Indivisible protesters gather in Sequim on Friday afternoons to express their opposition to the president. The demonstrations have reportedly become predictable enough that locals no longer need a calendar to know when one is coming. They simply watch their neighbors start packing the Subaru.
The resulting migration has created a new class of Clallam County resident known as the Timeout Enthusiast, a person who has decided that regardless of their political affiliation, they would rather spend Friday afternoon in another county.
These residents are reportedly fleeing to Port Townsend, Poulsbo and other communities where they can enjoy the radical luxury of drinking coffee without hearing someone explain what Donald Trump has done lately.
Economic analysts are reportedly fascinated by the development.
Every Friday afternoon, money that might otherwise have been spent in Sequim is apparently being transported across the county line and exchanged for sandwiches, coffee, bookstore purchases and increasingly unnecessary home décor.
Jefferson County businesses are said to be watching the migration with great interest.
One local economic expert estimated that if the Tantrump continues at its current pace, Port Townsend could eventually be forced to rename Friday afternoon Clallam County Appreciation Day.
The Strait Shooter’s investigation into the phenomenon took an unexpected turn when a bald eagle was observed circling above the Sequim gathering before landing in a nearby tree.
The eagle reportedly watched the protesters for several minutes, watched several vehicles begin heading out of town, and then appeared to look toward the Olympic Mountains with the weary expression of a creature that has spent millions of years watching humans make questionable decisions.
Wildlife experts have not confirmed whether the eagle supports Indivisible.
They have also not confirmed whether it supports Trump.
What they have confirmed is that the eagle subsequently flew in the opposite direction.
Political scientists are calling this “the first documented bipartisan evacuation by raptor.”
The Tantrump has also produced an awkward irony for the Indivisible movement, whose name would seem to suggest that keeping communities together is preferable to breaking them into smaller pieces.
Instead, the Friday event appears to be producing a growing number of residents who are becoming highly divisible from Sequim.
Republicans are leaving.
Democrats are leaving.
Independents are leaving.
People who have no idea what Indivisible is are leaving.
Even people who agree with the protesters are reportedly leaving because they have dinner reservations.
Local businesses have therefore been left with the complicated task of determining whether a political demonstration that encourages people to spend their Friday afternoon elsewhere can still be considered a successful community engagement strategy.
As of press time, the Tantrump had concluded, the Timeout Enthusiasts had crossed the county line, and the bald eagle had apparently returned to its normal activities.
Which, in this case, meant soaring majestically above everyone involved and refusing to participate in the argument.
Sources say it has not yet declared a candidate for county commissioner.
But with the current state of local politics, its campaign slogan would probably be hard to beat:
“I live here. I listen. I fly away when this gets stupid.”
Know Your Community: Halloween Headquarters
By the Strait Shooter Staff
SEQUIM — As temperatures climbed into the mid-70s this week and residents desperately attempted to enjoy what remained of summer, local retailers bravely reminded everyone that joy is temporary by unveiling enough Halloween merchandise to convince many they had accidentally skipped two entire months.
From Costco, a.k.a. the Sequim Mall, to farm stores, craft stores, and anywhere capable of displaying a plastic skeleton, the annual migration of pumpkins, witches, inflatable ghosts, and decorative ravens has officially begun.
“It’s comforting,” said one shopper while standing in flip-flops next to a 12-foot animatronic scarecrow. “I came in for sunscreen and watermelon. I left wondering if I have enough battery-powered gargoyles.”
Retail experts say the appearance of Halloween decorations marks the beginning of the most cherished tradition in American commerce: Preparing for Christmas.
“If you’re just thinking about Halloween, you’re already behind,” explained one retail analyst while placing Valentine’s Day merchandise into long-term storage. “Successful families begin planning Christmas the moment they see a skeleton wearing a floppy witch hat.”
According to economists, this creates the Annual Retail Calendar, in which every holiday exists primarily to remind consumers they should already be shopping for the next one.
August is Halloween.
Halloween is Christmas.
Christmas is Patio Furniture.
Patio Furniture is Back-to-School.
Back-to-School is Halloween again.
Scientists describe the cycle as “inescapable.”
Area residents report mixed emotions.
“I haven’t even picked my tomatoes yet,” said one Sequim gardener while a motion-activated zombie repeatedly informed nearby shoppers that “THE HARVEST HAS BEGUN.”
“My hummingbirds are still here.”
“So why is this pumpkin singing?”
Meanwhile, local children remain confused after learning Halloween now lasts approximately fourteen weeks.
“I thought October was Halloween,” said one eight-year-old.
His mother gently explained that October is actually “Last-Minute Christmas Shopping Season.”
Even local farm stores have embraced the movement.
Customers arriving for chicken feed, fencing supplies, or tractor parts reportedly found themselves navigating aisles featuring decorative bats, spooky lanterns, and enough faux cobwebs to alarm actual spiders.
One particularly offended spider reportedly filed a territorial dispute.
“I’ve spent all summer weaving professional-grade webs,” the spider hissed. “Then Karen buys six bags of polyester nonsense made in a factory. It’s insulting to the craft.”
Craft stores have perhaps taken things the furthest.
Employees confirmed they are now stocking supplies allowing customers to create handcrafted Halloween decorations inspired by Pinterest projects that will never actually be finished.
“It’s aspirational,” explained one employee. “You buy twenty-seven wooden pumpkins, twelve paint colors you’ll never use again, and enough burlap ribbon to moor a small fishing vessel. Then next July you find it all in the garage and buy it again.”
Retailers insist customers appreciate getting a head start.
“We’re simply helping people prepare.”
“For Halloween?”
“No.”
“For Christmas.”
By the time customers reached the checkout with a cart containing candy corn, skeleton dish towels, pumpkin-scented candles, and an inflatable ghost wearing a flannel shirt, cashiers reportedly asked the only question that mattered.
“So... have you started your Christmas shopping yet?”
At press time, one Clallam County goose had reportedly taken up permanent residence beneath Costco’s 16-foot skeleton, where shoppers say the two now silently judge everyone who walks past without purchasing at least one decorative pumpkin before Labor Day.
Loved the Subaru reference!!! It does seem THEY all drive Subaru's.
Tantrump should be trademarked immediately! Thinking it could be the start of some serious merch sales at the Saturday Market, Lavender Festival, and county fair.